Domestic Violence: Don’t be a statistic

I’m taking a different turn with today’s blog that some might find uncomfortable. It’s a subject that many find uncomfortable, especially when it affects them or someone they love. Nevertheless, it cannot be ignored. As the biggest fan of women on the planet, it’s a subject that makes me physically ill. Today’s subject is domestic violence. Here are some statistics:

In 1998, there were an estimated 960,000 reported cases of violence against a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife.

An estimated three million -- yes, million -- women are abused by their husbands or boyfriends every year. This includes unreported cases.

Worldwide, at least one out of every three women has been abused, beaten, or forced to have sex by their spouse or significant other in their lifetime.

In America, we fare no better; 31% (close to the 33% average above) report the exact same thing.

All of that is bad enough, but read on...
Three or more women are murdered by their spouse or significant other each day on average in the US.

Women who are pregnant, or have recently become pregnant, are more likely to die by homicide than any other cause.

If you have a sister, friend, mother, or loved one who doesn’t fit into one of those categories, you should still keep your eyes open. Here are some things to watch for:

Spouse or significant other attempts to close off access to the victim. They really don’t want them out in the world, and definitely don’t want them talking to anyone about it. Restricted access also includes disconnecting the phone, watching the mailbox, or preventing any other way a victim could cry out for help.

Victim wears clothing that covers upper arms, chest, or neck to hide bruises, scratches, or other injuries.

Victim is “gun-shy”. In other words, if you raise your hand to brush a mosquito off your nose and she flinches for a blow she’s conditioned to know is coming, that’s a giveaway. This condition usually persists for the rest of the victim’s life, and contributes to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a condition that domestic abuse victims face for life. PTSD causes flashbacks, repressed emotions, and other problems that only a psychiatrist can help with, and is rarely fully resolved.

Injuries that appear to be abuse, but the victim gives outlandish explanations for. “I fell down the steps... again.” Another you often hear is, “Oh, I bruise easily,” and perhaps they do. They bruise even more easily when they are used as a punching bag.

Husband or significant other has complete control of the finances to prevent victim from leaving. This happens more frequently than people realize; sometimes a child is involved, which makes things even harder. It’s hard enough to run away broke, and it’s almost impossible to do so with a child.

Victim acts completely differently when alone as opposed to when her spouse or significant other is around. This is usually due to fear.

Perpetrator sends his wife away when friends arrive, or leaves his wife behind when it’s obvious she would have liked to -- as opposed to couldn’t -- come along. Again, this is largely due to restricted access and injury-hiding motivations.

As a victim, or potential victim, there are early warning signs that for some reason go unnoticed completely, or are realized far too late for what they are. These include:

Jealousy: Husband or significant other is infuriated any time another man looks at his spouse or significant other, or if she has any unaccounted-for time. Also, he becomes insanely jealous over communications to people he doesn’t trust, such as email, text, phone or even notes. We're talking about insane, unreasonable jealousy here. Those who have experienced it know what I’m talking about; please do others the kindness of sharing your experience.

Domination: The husband or significant other controls every aspect of the victim’s life -- who you talk to, where you go, what you do... each and every thing. There’s a difference between “wearing the pants” in the family and domination. Once you’ve experienced it, the difference is obvious. Fear, intimidation, and emotional abuse are the abuser’s tools.

Using sex as a weapon: To most men, that doesn’t even sound possible. Sex is like the anti-weapon, right? Guess again. Women are frequently forced to do things against their will by abusive husbands, as yet another form of domination. There are also the “games”. Such winners as “if you really loved me you’d...” Repeatedly asking for sex, then getting angry and leaving, or throwing the wife or girlfriend out even if she submits. Sex is just another means of control to these people. Just because he’s being nice and forgiving for past abuse, does not mean he won’t revert to the exact same behavior the next chance he gets.

In fact, the most obvious sign that goes unnoticed by the victim almost every single time is the “cycle of violence”. The abuse gradually ramps up over weeks, months, or years. The aggressor is always sorry -- or so he says -- and he always seems to have turned over a new leaf... and he always does it again, only this time, a wee bit worse. The first time he shouts you down, emotionally abuses you, strikes, punches, shoves, or otherwise physically abuses you, you have one thing to look forward to. If you don’t leave, he’s going to do it again. Next time it’ll be a little worse, because he just got away with it this time. If you leave and eventually take him back, no matter how long after, it is a “win” for him. He now knows how much he can get away with, and next time he’s going to test that limit.

Alcohol and drug use: When you combine alcohol or drugs with jealousy, you have a mixture that can only end in an explosion. These two things alone are not just a warning flag, they’re a warning billboard. Stay at your own risk.

To the women:

I know it’s hard to talk about. It’s humiliating, embarrassing... you think it’s your problem, or worse that it’s your fault, or that you somehow brought it upon yourself. The reality is that there are no words in any language -- save for words that translate into “Hit me! Oh and if you get the chance, scream at me and make me feel worthless!” -- that could even be loosely considered “asking for it”. And even if asked, no man worth calling himself a man would act upon it.

It may be hard to talk about it, but it's necessary. I have yet to meet (and I have met several abused women) a woman in an abusive relationship that did not love her husband. That love can be a killer. They say love is blind; that doesn’t mean that it also turns a blind eye -- or a black one -- to the danger that you’re in. Turn to your friends. Turn to your family. Most importantly, turn to the police. Get that restraining order while your arm is unbroken and able to sign it, and whatever you do, for the love of God -- don’t drop the charges.

If you feel yourself weakening and wanting to go back, remember the time when things were at their worst. When he was wailing on you, or you were cowering in a corner in the fetal position to avoid a kick in the face. Recall your frame of mind when you signed that order or pressed charges. Nothing has changed except that time has passed, and you’ve convinced yourself that he didn’t mean it. You mistakenly believe that he’s better now, or that it’s somehow your fault.

The very best lies -- the ones that are the most believable -- are the ones we tell ourselves.

Don’t be a victim. Speak out. Next time it could be your daughter, your mother, your friend, or some other loved one. You’re going to have to be there for them. You can’t do that if you’re dead.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Write it down and put it in your wallet or purse; you never know when you will meet someone who may need it. These people will really help. They will give you a plan, help you escape, and help you stay safe until you can arrange something more permanent.

I would pray that no one would ever need any of this information. That would, of course, be impossible given the statistics. I pray that it finds its way to those who do need it, and that they find it before it's too late.

Thank you very much for your time, and please, everyone, consider what I’ve said.

[Statistics from the Family Violence Prevention Fund.]