Too Much Information: Lesson 1 (of 2)

How many times in life do you find out far more than you ever wanted to know about a person? Every day, you're accosted by information you could have lived without. Many times that information is shared offhandedly, as if everyone around is hanging on the edge of their seat for the next scrap of personal data. Such outbursts have been referred to as "too much information", also known as TMI.

Sometimes I think people really don't run things through the TMI filter before blurting them out. For instance, saying, "I don't feel so well," while holding your tummy gives us the proper level of information. If instead you say, "I'm going to go blow the bottom out of the crapper!" you may have shared more than we want to know.

There are other golden opportunities to reserve comment as well. Below are some examples of what you might say. Try to choose the correct answer.
Example 1:

You wake up and are violently ill. After hurling chunks of everything you've eaten for the last month, you clean yourself up and stagger out of the bathroom. Your significant other knows something is wrong and comes to investigate. What do you tell him or her?

A: "Wow, do I ever regret eating that chicken tartar you made last night!"

B: "Honey! You've gotta come see this! I just puked in the exact shape of Iceland!"

C: "I'll be fine, honey; my tummy is a little upset."

Example 2:

You're on break wolfing down a burrito, salsa, refried beans, boiled eggs, fish sandwich, and a beer. Suddenly, you realize that eating such food just might cause you to have some rather bad side effects. What do you say?

A: "I'm going to regret this in a few hours, and so will you."

B: "Anyone have some Beano?"

C: "I think I just solved the gas crisis - wait - wrong gas..."

Example 3:

You're in a meeting and suddenly have gas that is inescapable. You ease over on one cheek and oh-so-carefully let it go. Not a sound is made, but you know the aroma will soon spill the beans, so to speak. What do you do?

A: Say nothing. Anyone with an intact sense of smell will know soon enough.

B: Say, "Look out folks, silent but deadly!" then pinch your nose.

C: Scream, "Incoming!" then laugh 'til your sides hurt.

Example 4:

You're 80 years old. As you return from Old Country Buffet you realize that cocktail of Metamucil, Ex-Lax, and castor oil is about to do the trick -- with a vengeance. Since you're now in need of some personal time on the porcelain throne, you speed up only to be discovered by a cop. He pulls you over with his ticket board out, ready to throw the book at you. How do you handle the situation?

A: Say, "I'm sorry officer. I know I was speeding. I'm in kind of a hurry," then wait for the officer to set himself up with the question we know is coming --"Why?"

B: Say, "I just took 10 laxatives and one of them finally worked. I'm about to crap my pants and I was speeding because I need to get home. Did I mention I'm about to crap my pants?"

C: "I was speeding so I could get home and use the restroom. I had hoped to do so while the decision was still left up to me. If you think I'm kidding, stall for another 10 minutes and see what happens."

(Note: In this case, all of the answers are correct.)

Example 5: (Just for the Ladies)

Regardless of the reason, you don't feel so well. Just then, your significant other comes up and starts whispering sweet nothings in your ear. It's clear where their mind is, and you want to head them off at the pass immediately. You might feel better later, but right this second is not the time. Do you:

A: Say, "Not right now honey..." and hold your tummy. You know that this will effectively derail his train of thought temporarily. Men always assume the worst, even if it was just a bad egg roll. He will be counting on his fingers for at least a month. Men are lousy at keeping track of things that logic would dictate they would have a stopwatch for. You can always say you were mistaken later.

B: Relate in vivid detail how you are cramping, bloated, and retaining water. Inform him of every scrap of minutia you can remember related to the menstrual cycle, ask him if he took Sex Ed, and then send him to go buy the biggest box of pads he can find as punishment. This will eliminate the possibility of sex for a week, and give him an image he won't be able to remove from his mind for a month or more. Score for the home team!

C: Take his hand and start leading him to the bedroom. As you arrive say, "I don't feel very well, but it's okay, honey; if I spew, it's on you!" and let him take his chances. He won't. If you're in danger of fizzing over, he won't shake your bottle, and if he does, he asked for it.