Too Much Information: Lesson 2 (of 2)

In much the same way people tend to share too much about themselves, people also tend to comment on things best left alone. Below are examples of situations you might find yourself in, and the comments or actions you might take. Remember, points are awarded if you survive the answer in much the same condition as you were in prior to opening your mouth.

Example 1:

You enter the company restroom just as a co-worker shuts the door to a stall. You're sure you know him, as you know everyone. You didn't get a chance to see who it is. It could be anyone from the janitor to the General Manager. Just as you begin the business that brought you to the restroom, you hear an echoing rumble from the stall. The walls shake. Your eyes water. You mistakenly inhaled through your mouth, so now you taste it. Clearly the man in question did not get to the restroom a moment too soon. You open your mouth to speak and it starts again -- louder and more ominous -- and now includes splattering sounds. Yes, the janitor is going to have a bad day. Other co-workers escaped while they could and are now warning others. Unfortunately, you're trapped here, still handling the business at hand. There is no escape. Do you:

A: Scream triumphantly, "We have liftoff!" and pretend it was a shuttle launch.

B: Call over your shoulder, "Holy cow! Can we get a courtesy flush?"

C: Finish your business, walk up to the stall, and whisper, "Dude! You better look at that before you pull the handle. Oprah says if it looks like shrimp you're gonna die." Leave before he has a chance to ask you for your opinion.

Example 2:

You're at a party. There's a girl there whom you like, and she's not bad. She's also not America's Next Top Model. Still, you'd like to get to know her because she's very sweet. She's been drinking like a fish, and the inevitable happens. She grabs her mouth and runs for the door. You know she's going to be spewing like a Central Park fountain any second. You can see her clearly through the open door, as can everyone else. She stops at the top of the steps by a bush. You should:

A: Elbow the guy next to you, and as soon as you've called as much attention to her as possible, put a hand beside your mouth and call in your best Ahab nautical voice, "There she blows, mateys!" She wasn't that hot, and all your friends will be laughing about this for the next century.

B: Walk over to her, and as she's in the middle of the loudest retch, tell her that this is what happens when you drink too much on an empty stomach. Chide her for getting vomit on her dress, and suggest that next time, she should bring some sweats and a plastic bag so she will be prepared. Give her your number so if she has any questions she can call you, and politely exit. Go back and ask her out as an afterthought, just as she's wiping her chin with the back of her hand.

C: Run up to her and hold her while she turns her stomach inside out. Be kind and gentle. Don't mention the overspray she just got on your new shoes. Stay there for the duration. You know she drank too much but you've just scored a bit of info that you might need later -- she has a critical weakness to alcohol. Sure, she might not remember this, but her friends will and they will tell her about it. Ask her if she has a ride home, and give her your number. Never mention this unfortunate incident again unless she mentions it first. Let's face it -- you're no prize either, and you've just seen her at her worst.

Example 3:

You know there was a massive party last night. A normally cute co-worker walks by, and you notice she appears a little rumpled. In fact, she's a lot rumpled. She has bags under her eyes and bears a striking resemblance to Tommy Lasorda. She's moving pretty slowly, her shoulders are slumped; clearly, it was a party to remember. As you pass she looks up at you and tries to smile. Obviously, she wishes to engage you in a bit of small talk. What she does instead is start blurting out how her boyfriend left her for another girl last night. What's worse, she was living with him. Now she's crying, which doesn't help her looks or the situation. Do you:

A: Ask her who he left her for. It's good to be able to tell someone if they've been "traded in" on a better model. It might also be a good time to give her your number; because grief-stricken or not, crying or not, it's still warm and this is an opportunity that's impossible to pass up. Don't forget to call all of your friends; if you strike out, someone needs to step up and hit that before the opportunity is lost. Ask her over to your place to watch a movie.

B: Tell her you'd love to talk, but you just remembered (insert first thing you think of) something you need to do. You'd normally talk to her, but who wants to deal with a Debbie Downer? What a buzzkill. Besides, it's going to be weeks before you can make a move on that, and what's worse, you'll be picking up someone's leftovers if you do. Isn't that like eating off an abandoned table's plate in a restaurant? Avoid her for the rest of the day, possibly the week.

C: Shut up and hold her because if you don't, you may not be human, and are certainly not a man. In the whole world of people, she chose you to tell. That means something. You could no more resist this than you could resist a baby reaching to be picked up. Once she gets that initial wave out of her system, offer your number in case she wants to talk more. Check on her a couple of times today to be sure she's okay. Your debt for being born is partially paid.

Example 4:

Your friends have just showed up to watch the game. It was a spur of the moment thing that came up only a week before. Luckily, you had enough time to give your significant other an hour to prepare. Your friends' wives are elsewhere, but your girlfriend is there cooking wings and helping with sodas and snacks. You've noticed that she seems a little irritable, and you hear a loud clatter as she drops an entire pan of wings. Now she's crying, and you realize that the clues you had earlier today indicate that perhaps there's a very good reason she's a little off her game. You go and talk to her in the kitchen and your worst fears are realized. She's got PMS. Your best course of action is:

A: Enlighten your guests. Inform them of the problem, and try to do it in such a way that she hears it, too. That way she will know that they know. It's good to keep your friends informed, and as a side bonus, you can blame anything she does from now 'til the beer is gone on her. She won't mind; she already has PMS. What could possibly go wrong?

B: Call the game off. She's going to kill the mood anyway. Besides, she needs to mow the lawn, and if you forget the work she's put into your friends so far, she should have plenty of energy for that. Lawn mowing is a great stress reliever. Maybe she should rake some leaves too, God knows they need it, and she won't have anything better to do today.

C: It's too late to send everyone home, and that will make things far worse anyway. Go and help her any way you can, and promise not to forget the game until the day of the game next time. You might even suggest that you ask her before bringing over 40 friends to watch the game, cause God only knows... she might have something she'd like to do on the weekend. It might be a good idea to plan the next weekend with her instead of for her. If your friends ask, tell them her cat died. They don't know if she had a cat, and they can't be so stupid as to bring it up. Or at least you hope they can't.


Example 5:

You come home to find that your girlfriend is trying on a pair of jeans she hasn't worn for five years. Shockingly enough, they don't button and the zipper is halfway down. She suggests that they might have shrunk in the closet or when she washed them last. She asks you, "Have I gained weight?" You then:

A: Knowing that she's an intelligent, rational woman who values the truth, point out that we all gain weight as we age. Tell her that it's okay though, because while she might have gained weight in her rear, she lost it in her breasts, so it all evens out. Make reference to middle age spread, regardless of her age, and try to point out that the jeans she has today will no doubt be too small in five years. Honesty is best in everything, and this is a prime example.

B: Offer to help her by getting some pliers and trying to zip the jeans. You know that once they're zipped, she will be able to button them. If not, there's always the vice in your workshop. It's important to her to be able to fit in these jeans even if they kill her. Tell her to pull her pockets out too, because they take up a lot of butt room; she can always cut them off or try to cram them in later. Right now the most important thing is to get those jeans on, or prove that they are poorly made. Bursting a seam or demolishing the zipper would be good proof.

C: Agree that they probably did shrink. You saw it on TV; it happens all the time. Offer to take her shopping for new jeans, as those don't really show off her figure anyway. It would probably be a good time to point out some of those other things you saw on TV now as well. A good place to start would be how clothing sizes are meaningless as a lot of stuff is imported now, and they measure differently in foreign countries. Besides, if she gained weight, wouldn't you have noticed? She looks exactly the way she looked the day you met, possibly better. You'll thank yourself later.